Thursday, September 30, 2010

What's Playing? 10/1 Weekend



 ***

Kicking off October, this weekend in theatres is a horror lover's paradise. 
Four horror films open:
Let Me In, a vampire flick, Hatchet II, sequel to 2007's Hatchet, Case 39, a supernatural thriller and Chain Letter, a teen slasher.

Beyond blood and gore, the highly anticipated The Social Network, about Facebook's founder, opens.

 
Here's the run down of movies starting this Friday in theatres:




Let Me In
 What's It About?
A boy unknowingly befriends a vampire girl.  

Why See It?
 A vampire story about a young girl doesn't seem scary but the trailer proves otherwise.

Why Skip It?
You're a werewolf lover. 

Trailer:

*


Hatchet II
  What's It About?
The return of the hatchet wielding Victor Crowley.

Why See It?
You're a fan of the first Hatchet.

Why Skip It?
You didn't see the first Hatchet.
 
Trailer:


*


Case 39
What's It About?
A social worker takes on Case 39, a case involving a strange young girl who's parents want her dead.

Why See It?
To find out why the parents want to kill their daughter.

Why Skip It?
You're wary of Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper in a horror.

Trailer:

*


Chain Letter

 What's It About?
A group of high school students who start receiving mysterious chain letter emails are murdered off.

Why See It?
You're a slasher fan.

Why Skip It?
The plot isn't original at all.

Trailer:

 *



The Social Network
 What's It About?
The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg's story of how Facebook was founded.

Why See It?
If you ever wondered the origin of the popular social networking site Facebook.

Why Skip It?
You're more interested in the story of MySpace and Tom.

Trailer:



***
E N J O Y

*THE*

M O V I E S
***

Eating meat can be good

This is a little late, but what the hell. George Monbiot recently told the Guardian that he was entirely wrong when he called veganism "the only ethical response". Worth reading.

In the Guardian in 2002 I discussed the sharp rise in the number of the world's livestock, and the connection between their consumption of grain and human malnutrition. After reviewing the figures, I concluded that veganism "is the only ethical response to what is arguably the world's most urgent social justice issue". I still believe that the diversion of ever wider tracts of arable land from feeding people to feeding livestock is iniquitous and grotesque. So does the book I'm about to discuss. I no longer believe that the only ethical response is to stop eating meat.

Girlfriend of the Week

Josh's mysterious new girlfriend here.  i am hijacking the blog for a minute to tell you all about how much i am sick of gotw.  there have been like a 100 girls already.  well i am here to say that this weeks gotw botw is sidney crosby!  thats right, can you think of sexier man?

oh and did i mention that i am the best girlfriend ever?  ask josh sometime what i got him for his birthday.  tickets to the pens opening game.  yes you should be jealous and josh isnt going to say crap about me posting pictures of the sexiest man alive.

well i am going to leave you with a few more pictures of 87.  hopefully josh will smarten up and make me his gotw soon!


RIP Greg Giraldo

Jokes.com
Greg Giraldo - 9/11 Bachelorettes
comedians.comedycentral.com
Greg Giraldo Stand-UpGreg Giraldo JokesHasselhoff Roast Videos

I always thought Greg Giraldo was freakin' hilarious.  A damn shame he had to overdose.  Yet Larry the Cable Guy is still going strong.

Live From Barnes and Noble!

Hey everyone, how are you folks today?  I am in Pittsburgh (to be a bit more precise, I am at the Barnes and Noble in Homestead, the Waterfront for those who have no clue).  I am sitting here, drinking a pumpkin latte (delicious) and basically killing time.  I figured I would bore you with the details of my last few days.

I decided to buy a new television on Monday.  I skipped out on going to Best Buy and followed my brother's lead and went to Wal-Mart.  I debated heavily between the 47" Vizio LCD and the 42" Vizio LED.  The second one was a little bit more expensive, but nothing ridiculous.  I looked at both for a good twenty minutes and then finally decided on the 47" (who says size doesn't matter?).

The problem with being spontaneous is that you do not think about things like "how will I get this home?"  At first I was afraid that it would not fit into the Yaris.  Fortunately, after sliding the seats all the way up, it just fit.  Sadly, I had to drive home with my knees in my chest and my head over the steering wheel.

I set it up and figured while it was scanning for channels that I might as well call Comcast and get the HD set up.  It turns out that I was already set to go.  I turned to a HD channel and sure enough, glorious picture quality.  I spent the majority of the day just watching baseball/football highlights. 

I am hoping to get a new TV stand soon.  The old one is just too high and old.  And ugly.  I think I want to rearrange my living room.  Maybe put the TV in the corner and angle everything.  What do you guys think?  You probably do not care, but whatever.  Since I have the laptop, I might as well get rid of the desk and chair.  Maybe get a recliner at some point in my life.  Apparently when you turn 30 you start thinking about interior decorating.  Weird.

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went to the Robinson Mall.  I bought some clothes.  Actually I bought three shirts and a pair of jeans, and a jacket and shoes.  The jeans and dress shirt came from Banana Republic.  I bought two waffle shirts from Express and a fleece jacket from Eddie Bauer.  For those of you who know me, my black/gray Diesel shoes are about to fall apart.  So I bought a pair of Steve Madden shoes, they are also black and gray.  I got them at Macy's for like $45 less than the same pair at Journey's.  Sweet deal.

We then went to dinner at Bahama Breeze and she told me about my birthday present:  tickets to the Pen's home opener!  I have never been to a Pen's game, in fact the only hockey games I have ever been to were intramural games to watch my friend Jackson play.  Needless to say, I am excited.

Side note:  I do not watch reality television, but did anyone else see this promo during football on Sunday?  How the hell did she survive a watermelon to the face like that?

GIFSoup

Awesome!

Anyways, where was I?  Oh yes, my girlfriend.  Right.  Later we went out to Bar Louie's at the Waterfront.  We drank and had a great time.  And this leads me back to here.  She has my car, so I am spending the day at Barnes and Noble while she does a work thing.  No big deal.  Oh, what is that?  Yes, I have a girlfriend now.  You didn't know that?  My bad. Unfortunately, I cannot give many details about her because of some things pertaining to That Place That Shall Not Be Named.  Needless to say, I am quite happy.  Smitten is a good way to describe it.

Do you guys remember this post?  I hope so, it was only a month ago.  Since then I decided to join a gym with a guy I work with, Brent.  I have not lost weight, but I do look better and I feel much better.  The first couple days I was extremely sore.  Actually, I was sore because I kept trying to do what I could when I used to lift at Penn State.
I know I promised not to use that picture again, but I could not resist.  You can actually see that I was in decent shape, albeit a little bit scrawny and still very hairy.  I am not there yet, but now I actually have some bulk to me, and I might be able put on some muscle.

It would be nice to have some musculature and not look a thirteen year old Thai sex slave.  Ugh, I just remembered my childhood.  We will not talk about what I did when I lived in Bangladesh.  Wow, this latte is making me very hyper.  Deal with it people.

Just a quick reminder for all you  folks out there:  Saturday I turn 30.  As of now, all I know is this: (can you use two colons in one sentence?  I am not sure, but I am going to do it!  I am grammatical rebel!)  Penn State plays Iowa at 8:00 and my brother and his girlfriend want to take me out.  I am thinking the Pub at some point.  Maybe go to my mom's for a bit.  Anyone can come.  I encourage it.  I beg you.  I implore you.  I explode with excitement.  Okay, I think that is enough.

I realize this picture from my phone is terrible, but I circled what I want you to notice.

Those are not one, but two magazines devoted to Hi-Fi.  The fascinating world of speakers and music players.  Oh shit, never mind, as I lean back, I can see about six more magazines devoted to this subject.  Who subscribes to this stuff?  Sorry if I offended anyone.

The more I think about it though, why are there still specialty magazines?  If you are interested in that sort of stuff, why not just use the internet?  I am sure there are plenty of blogs and reviews written about different speakers.

This lady just came up to the counter and told the guy that she wants a regular Pepsi, not diet.  Good thing she specified.  I want to get a Mountain Dew and say "I want a Mountain Dew, not a Pepsi."  I wonder if the guy will get it?

People say idiotic shit all the time at work.  At least once a day I get someone to ask me if we have boxes for the pies.  My usual smartass response is:  Nope, you have to carry it around like that.  People also love to get change and there are very few occasion where I cannot figure out what they want.  For example:  if someone hands me a twenty, I usually give them a ten, a five, and five ones.  If they are just coming in, I might ask if they want quarters for the paper.  I love when people have to specify.  Can I get change for this ten?  A five and five ones.  No shit?  I was going to give you a roll of nickels, three ones, eight quarters, twenty dimes, and a gold dollar piece.  That would really mess with them.

I think I am going to finish up here and walk over to the movie theater.  I have no clue what I will watch, something good though.  Haha, what an idiotic statement.  I plan on going over and watching a bad movie.  I need to lay off the caffeine.


I have only had this laptop for like five months and I finally figured out how to take a picture with the webcam.  Oh yeah, me smart!  Have a great day folks.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

2010-11 NHL season preview

We're just two weeks away from the NHL season, and it's time to rouse ourselves from the torpor of the most boring off-season since the lockout. This past hockey summer has been so dead we've all pretty much forgotten the NHL even existed. I'll try to fix that by contributing a rambling season preview. I'll try to group the teams into division winners, playoff contenders and, well, the rest. That's as precise as it's going to get.


The West


We'll start with the Western Conference. First, though, a caveat. For the simple reason that nearly all of the West's games are on at an impossible time for us, we barely see any of them during the season. In addition to that, the West was incredibly tight last year, and if anythnig. will be even tighter next year. Last year, Colorado grabbed the last playoff spot with 90 points; Minnesota was in 13th place with 84. Six points, six places in the standings. With this being the case, I'm happy to pick division winners, and tell you which teams won't make the postseason dance, but beyond that, it's a complete mystery to me.


Division winners:

* San Jose Sharks. With their goaltending overhaul, the Sharks are my pick to win the conference. They have one of the most underrated goaltenders in the league in the Torino Olympic MVP, in tandem with last year's Cup winner, and the two-man team should be a great improvement over the excellent but overworked Nabokov. The Sharks must be hungry after coming so close last year, and with pretty much the same team coming back for another shot, I expect the Sharks to win the conference title and represent the West in the final. The trouble is, pretty much everyone expects them to do well, and with the ghost of past playoff failures haunting them, will they rise to the expectations? I hope so.

* Detroit Red Wings. The Detroit machine is still impressive, and two years of harsh playoff defeats ought to give the Wings something to prove. We're incredibly happy that the Wings picked up Mike Modano after he was disgracefully discarded by the Stars, and he'll be an excellent addition to an already fearsome team. I expect the Wings to do well, but come playoff time, will they be hungry?

* Vancouver Canucks. The Canucks beefed up their defense in the off-season, making an already impressive team that much better. The Canucks are Canada's only hope for a Stanley Cup, and they'll win the Northwest and put up a good fight in the playoffs. The Canucks wouldn't even be an impossibly long shot to win the whole shebang.

Playoff contenders:


*Los Angeles Kings. A real up-and-coming team, the Kings did well enough in the playoffs last year to raise hopes. Their time is now, with a great crop of young players hitting their prime; if the Kings don't take the next step, they'll start losing guys to free agency. Letting Frolov go was the right thing to do; what the Kings will need to do this year is round out the team with some veterans to make a determined Cup run in the next couple of years. This year, I expect them to do well in the Southwest, and land a playoff spot. Jonathans Quick and Bernier have the crease well in hand, and with great young players like Anze Kopitar and Drew Doughty, the Kings will be a force to be erckoned with.


* Chicago Blackhawks. It'll be interesting to see the new Hawks after the summer's clearance sale. It'd be easy to be skeptical, but nobody gave the Hawks much credit a year ago, either. Losing Niemi won't matter nearly as much as some people seem to think, because to be quite honest, he really wasn't that great last year, especially in the playoffs. However, Marty Turco and Corey Crawford will share goaltending duties, which is a bit of a risk; Turco's best years are behind him, and if Huet really leaves, Crawford may not be ready for that much responsibility. Also, like I said, I expect the Central Division to be tough this year, so the Hawks' season can go either way. I expect them to make the playoffs, though.


*Colorado Avalanche. Who knows what the Avs will do? Most people expected them to tank last year, and instead they made the playoffs. They're returning with pretty much the same roster, so maybe they'll do it again. With an impressive bunch of youngsters, the Avs might be the dark horse team of the West. Then again, they might just fail.



*St. Louis Blues. In what was perhaps the second-silliest trade of the offseason, the Blues ended up with the best goalie of last year's playoffs on their roster. Another interesting up-and-coming team, the Blues have a lot going for them, with excellent young players like Erik Johnson, who'll hopefully stay the hell away from golf carts and solid special teams, which took them tantalizingly close to a playoff spot last year. Losing Paul Kariya for the year is a setback, and the Blues' defense remains weak, but with the addition of Halak, St. Louis is going to make the race in the Central Division very tough.


*Phoenix Coyotes. It's nothing short of miraculous for the Coyotes to finish last year in the playoffs, despite the ongoing ownership brouhaha, and the team is solid enough that I expect they'll at least contend for another playoff spot this year. The combination of a solid goaltender, dynamic young forwards and a surprisingly good blue line took them to Game 7 against Detroit last year. On the one hand, it's encouraging; on the other, they're no longer a dark horse as they'll be expected to do well again this year. Coming in as an underdog is easier, so it's possible the ride will be bumpier for the 'Yotes this time around.


*Calgary Flames. Ever since their trip to the finals before the lockout, the Flames have been a constant disappointment. Despite having one of the best goaltenders in the league, the Flames have kept failing when it counts. A disastrous visit from Mike Keenan seemed to totally wreck the Flames' team defense, while the GM pulled a panic trade in giving up the potentially formidable Dion Phaneuf for peanuts. Jay Bouwmeester has been disappointing, while management continues to pair Iginla with center after center in the vain hopes of recovering his pre-lockout form. Next year, it'll be Olli Jokinen again, after a slightly bizarre round of trades; unless Jokinen is dynamite, that particular switcheroo is going to catch a lot of flak. I don't think the Flames have what it takes, but margins will be so small in the West that it's impossible to count them out.


*Nashville Predators. Over the last few years, Nashville has turned into a surprisingly solid team, but they'll struggle next year, as several other teams have improved more than them. They'll find the Central Division tough going, and the unimpressive blue line, with the considerable exception of Shea Weber, will mean a lot riding on Pekka Rinne's shoulders. I don't expect the Preds will make the postseason, but again, it'll be too tight a race to make any definite predictions yet.


*Anaheim Ducks. As much as I want Teemu Selänne and Saku Koivu to make the playoffs and more, it's a long shot. The blueline keeps getting less and less impressive, and the forwards will have to work extra hard to compensate. Frankly, I don't think Scott Niedermayer's retirement makes that much of a difference; he didn't win the Conn Smythe trophy by actually being the Ducks' playoff MVP when they won the Cup, and his defensive play was so appalling that with him gone, the Ducks' team defense will probably be better. They'll have to recover some of the mojo that took them to the big games in order to even challenge for a playoff spot this year, and like I said, it's a tall order.


Fuhgeddaboudit:


* Minnesota Wild. Fortunately, the trap won't cut it these days, so the scoring duo of Mikko Koivu and Martin Havlat are going to have to work some world-class magic to put the Wild in the playoff race. If we're all lucky, the most boring team in the league will make a beeline for the summer vacation.


* Dallas Stars. In the West, I'm particularly reluctant to place any team in this category, because it looks like it's going to be another incredibly tight playoff race. But the Stars are treading water. We're delighted that Kari Lehtonen seems to be making a comeback, but swapping Marty Turco for Andrew Raycroft is going to put the load squarely on Lehtonen's shoulders. However, we're hoping that the disgraceful way they treated their former captain and franchise player Mike Modano will bring down the curse of the hockey gods on Dallas, landing them squarely in the West's basement.


*Columbus Blue Jackets. The Blue Jackets are doing a lot better than many people would have given them credit for, building a solid fan-base and icing a decent team, but with a lackluster offense and poor, if not catastrophically bad, defense, the odds are that the Jackets will lose the very tough Central Division.


* Edmonton Oilers. Edmonton is the Toronto of the West, at least in the sense that they always go into the season and over the mid-season mark with ridiculously high expectations. Their forwards aren't all bad, but with the off-season mess both their goalie and blueline got in, and their overall weakness even without the extra complications, I'm looking forward to some improbably high-scoring games at both ends when the Oil is in town. But the playoffs are beyond hope.

**

The East

Division winners:


* Washington Capitals. We expect the Caps to win the division, the conference and the league, only to flame out again in the playoffs. I've been going on and on about this for over a year: the biggest obstacle to the Caps winning the Cup is their defense. Last year, it all got blamed on the goaltending again, but the fact is that the Caps' blue line can't stand up to a determined offense or crack a well-executed trap.

So regular season dominance, followed by a playoff bust. In short, they're the Sharks of the East.

Last year, the Caps did nothing at the trade deadline, and followed that up by doing nothing in the off-season. Maybe the management thinks they can win with this team; I don't. Of course, as this is sports, anyone can win; Carolina and Pittsburgh did prove that, but looking at the roster, the Caps don't have a winning team. There's one obvious move they could and should make next season: trade Alex Semin. He's an unrestricted free agent after this year and clocks in at a $6m salary. He's played well enough in the regular season, but is next to useless in the post-season, and that's where the Caps need to improve. Trading Semin for a proven post-season performer, either a defenseman or a two-way forward, would significantly improve the Caps' chances.


* New Jersey Devils. This will be the most tightly contested finish, with the Flyers or Penguins perfectly capable of grabbing the top spot. I think the New Jersey machine will keep on rolling through next season; they played solid enough last year, and the losses to free agency weren't significant enough to affect that. A quality backup keeper in Johan Hedberg will mean Brodeur gets the occasional night off, too.

I expect big things from Ilya Kovalchuk in New Jersey. He's going to have a top-notch center in Zach Parise, or Zubrus or Arnott, and that's a league first for him. Most people still see Kovalchuk as a pure goal-scorer, which is a little misleading these days as he plays a more complete game, so the numbers may not be shocking, but Ilya's still got one of the scariest shots in the league. The Devils' power play clocked in at 18.7% last season, and having Kovalchuk on board for the whole year should improve that decisively.


* Boston Bruins.

This year, it's the Northeast that will be the dullest division, and I expect Boston's finely honed trap to take them to a division title. It'll be fun to see if Milan Lucic decides to show up again after a subpar season, and hopefully Tyler Seguin will make Toronto rue the Kessel trade. When it comes to the playoffs, though, so far the trap hasn't gotten it done in the post-lockout postseason, and for the sake of hockey, we hope it won't this year, either.


Playoff contenders:


* Pittsburgh Penguins. There's no real reason the Pens can't beat the Devils for the top spot in the Atlantic, but I think the more solid Devils will take it. The Pens will be settling in into their new arena, and coping with the loss of Sergei Gonchar from the point. The defensive corps is easily the Penguins' least impressive area, and although Paul Martin will be a real asset, goals against will remain a weakness, especially with the overrated Fleury in net.

Year after year, the Penguins' power play remains weak given the caliber of the scorers on the roster, and for some reason this is always held up as "surprising". It isn't, and neither was the Penguins' total inability to break through the Montréal trap last year, as in the end these things come down to puck-moving defensemen. It remains to be seen if the Pens have improved by swapping out Gonchar or not.

Other than that, the roster just isn't very impressive, but the Pens will roll on into the playoffs, and with the kind assistance of the officials, probably go to at least the second round again.


* Philadelphia Flyers. The Broad Street Bullies are back. It was a pleasure to watch good, hard-hitting Flyers hockey again last season, and it isn't out of the question for them to make a real push for the division title this season. Andrej Meszaros will be a positive addition to the blueline, and I look forward to the dynamic duo of Richards and Carter dominating games again. I remember watching Ville Leino play in the Finnish league, and I have to admit that he's a total mystery to me. When he's at his best, he's excellent, but he also regularly pulls a vanishing trick, especially in the regular season. I have no idea how he'll do next year. If he could play anything like he did in last year's post-season with just a little consistency, I'd be a lot less worried about Team Finland's chances at the Sochi Olympics.

The only real question is the goaltending. After last year's musical goalies, Leighton and Boucher will most likely share next season. Philadelphia's goalie woes have been consistent since after the lockout, and as I've said before on this blog, a lot of it comes down to Philadelphia's poor team defense. Strangely enough, the leaky defense has remained constant ever since the lockout, in spite of personnel and coaching changes. If something lets them down, it will be the blue line again, while any goaltending mishaps will reawaken that controversy all over again.


* Tampa Bay Lightning. This is officially when I jump on the Tampa bandwagon. The minute Steven Stamkos shook off the pressure of being overhyped, he turned into the best young scorer in the league, and the team around him is looking more and more solid. As has been pointed out, Vinnie Lecavalier's production hasn't really dropped: it's returend to normal. He's still a top-notch player, as is Martin St. Louis, who's found some excellent chemistry with Stamkos. Rounding them off are the surprising Steve Downie, who went from an oft-suspended Broad Street goon to an excellent forward, and one of the best power forwards in the league, Ryan Malone.

With Niittymäki being replaced by Dan Ellis, the goaltending is a bit of a question mark with the impressive but streaky Mike Smith shouldering the load. Most of Tampa's defensive woes are down to the blueline, though, and with no significant improvement, they will probably be the Lightning's downfall. But all in all, Tampa are an exciting young team, and even if they don't make the big show this year, they have a solid core of young players for the future. The Lightning are definitely a team to watch.



* The Quebec Federalists, I mean Montréal Canadiens. A combination of a solid trap, impressively gutsy play and a fantastic campaign from Jaroslav Halak were enough to make the Habs shock the hockey world by making it to the conference finals. They're back with pretty much the same roster, minus the post-season MVP Halak. I'd say pretty much everyone who's been following the Habs knew that when it comes down to Price or Halak, the Habs will go with Price, whether it's the right choice or not. Based on the last couple of seasons, I'd say there's no question at all that trading Halak for Lars Eller (!) and Ian Schultz (!!) is a joke. Swapping Halak for never-beens Alex Auld and Curtis Sanford, oddly enough both former number-two men in Vancouver, is the opposite of an improvement, and the Habs will miss Jaro.

Unless their diminutive offense works miracles, the Habs will be on the playoff bubble with a bunch of other teams. They're well coached, with impressive special teams and good chemistry, which makes it really hard to say how well they'll do. In my opinion, a repeat of last year's heroics is incredibly unlikely.


* New York Rangers. I can't get very excited about the Blueshirts, but then again, I didn't really try. They do have a couple of impressive young blueliners in Michael Del Zotto and Marc Staal, and Marian Gaborik is, well, himself, but on the whole I can't see the Rangers putting together a hugely impressive campaign. Making the playoffs would be exceeding expectations, and I see them as another team right on the playoff bubble.

* Ottawa Senators. Ever since their last trip to the finals, the debate has gone on: should they blow up the team or make a second run? With the acquisition of Sergei Gonchar, it's definitely plan B again next season. The Sens have an interesting roster, with up-and-coming players like Peter Regin and Erik Karlsson, along with some seasoned veterans like Daniel Alfredsson, Chris Neil and our favorite player, Jarkko Ruutu.


The Sens will be knocking on the door of the playoffs, and I personally expect them to make it. A lot is resting on Pascal Leclaire, though, and if he can't get the job done, the goaltending falls on young Brian Elliott. The Sens will fight it out with the Rangers and Sabres for the last playoff spots.


* Buffalo Sabres. Remember a few years back, when the Sabres managed to win the President's Trophy and get to the conference finals? That's all in the past. Nearly everyone from that team is gone, and they haven't been replaced by anyone worth mentioning. The team rode Ryan Miller to the playoffs, and when Miller's good, he's really good. On the other hand, when he decides to inexplicably let in a nearly zero-angle shot that has no business going in, he does.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the madness that is offer sheets. For my money, Thomas Vanek is one of the best goal-scorers in the league, which is why the Oilers made a huge offer to him when he was an RFA. The knee-jerk reaction in the NHL is to match any offer sheet, but in my opinion, it's not necessarily a wise choice. I can't argue with John Grigg's logic: "If they had allowed Vanek to go to the Oilers, the Sabres would have Hall, Eberle, Paajarvi [sic] or other top prospects and another high pick to come to complement Myers, Ennis, Kassian and everyone else in the fold. That’s a trade I’d make in a heartbeat."

In other words, if the Sabres had let Vanek go, they'd have a bright future ahead of them. Right now, I don't see it. There are a few good prospects, notably Tyler Myers, who won Tuukka Rask's Calder Trophy, but the Sabres will struggle to make the playoffs.


* Carolina Hurricanes. This is the diciest pick; they could make the playoffs easily, they might lose the league. Looking at that roster, I don't see how they can make the postseason, and the last time I said that, they won the Cup. In all honesty, I don't know. The Cup-winning team had an excellent mix of veterans and young stars, and now it remains to be seen what direction the youngsters take.

We're particularly interested in two Finns on the roster. In the Finnish league and on the national team, Jussi Jokinen was a phlegmatic, underachieving happy-go-lucky player; last year, on the back of an excellent postseason, he scored 30 goals. What people may not remember is that without that postseason, he would probably have been packed off to Europe after being dumped by both the Stars and the Bolts. What will he do this season? Who knows?

Also on the Carolina roster is one of our favorite players, Tuomo Ruutu. His career has been plagued by injuries, to say the least, but when he's on form he's a terrific player. We hope he finally finds his groove and has a solid season.


Fuhgeddaboudit:


* Toronto Maple Leafs. I'm sorry, but it's not going to happen. Despite what Burke & Wilson say, the team is in full rebuild mode with the youngest roster in the league. The inexperience showed badly last year, with Toronto dead last in the league in both power play and penalty killing. Sure, they were the beneficiaries of one of Darryl Sutter's panic trades in receiving Dion Phaneuf, and once they hit their stride they'll make a determined push up the standings in mid-season that will get the Canadian media talking about a playoff spot. Like so many times, though, it won't happen.

The rebuild will be somewhat delayed by the fact that Burke gave away the Leafs' first round pick for next year as well, in return for Phil Kessel's 30 goals last season. Last summer, they would have got Tyler Seguin.


* Atlanta Thrashers. If you want a long-odds pick for a playoff team, this is it. They caught Dustin Byfuglien from Chicago's post-Cup salary explosion, and word has it he's moving back to the blueline. With fellow Chicago cup-winner Ben Eager, former Maple Leaf Nik Antropov and blueliner Johnny Oduya, the Thrashers will be an unpleasant team to play against, if nothing else. Since Kari Lehtonen left, Ondrej Pavelec struggled to take over as #1, so Chris Mason's arrival, with something to prove, will help the goaltending a lot.

All things being equal, the Thrashers won't be anywhere near the playoffs. This is sports, though, so if you want a good wildcard pick, they're it. If some young stars (anybody remember Angelo Esposito?) step up, and Bryan Little gets back on an upward trajectory, a playoff spot isn't impossible.

Not that I'd be willing to put money on it. Which is why they're in this category.


* New York Islanders. They'll be in contention: with Toronto for the last spot in the league. The ongoing goaltending comedy of Rick DiPietro's thousand-year deal and the musical chairs being played in his absence don't help, and neither does the uncertain future: the Islanders' arena lease is up in 2015, and owner Charles Wang is allegedly so frustrated with his hopeless efforts to get the city on board with a new arena that the team may move. The Islanders played a preseason game in Kansas City a year ago, just to show that they can.

There are some very promising players on the Isles' roster, especially U-20 Worlds star Nino Niederreiter and Kyle Okposo, and some excellent players in John Tavares and the superb Mark Streit. Sadly, their efforts are lost in the general indifference of the roster. The Islanders may make a surprise rally for a playoff spot like they did last year, but their odds of actually making the playoffs are slim at best.

* Florida Panthers. A franchise that has been treading water ever since their only trip to the finals in 1996. The Panthers have missed the playoffs nine seasons in a row, and next year they'll make it ten. Mike Keenan's monstrous decision to trade Roberto Luongo to Vancouver didn't help the Panthers one bit, but on the whole Florida has totally failed to leverage their decade of failure into any kind of forward momentum. They have what is probably the best goaltending duo in the East in Clemmensen and Vokoun, and Vokoun especially has been phenomenal, but with the lackluster play and forgettable roster, this is effectively a moribund franchise.

**

That's it! All in all, I expect a really tight season, so quite a few of these guesses may end up being dead wrong. Hey, at least writing this has made me look forward to the season...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Chick tracts!

I did my own little Chick tract parody in Finnish earlier, and now that I'm on the topic, I might as well say something about the original tracts themselves.


Jack Chick's "tracts" are little comic pamphlets on his premillenial dispensationalist, King James only -brand of Christianity. You can find the original tracts online here. They've been translated and distributed around the world to a surprising extent. My first contact with Jack Chick's work came at a Finnish rock festival in the '90s, where someone had left a translation of the Chick tract on Islam on our tent.

All the tracts are supposedly by Jack Chick, although given the variety of drawing styles on display one gets the impression some of the work is farmed out. They do all share his Protestant fundamentalism, in which all other religions and worldviews are irrevocably wrong, including all translations of the Bible except the King James V version. The tracts attack anything and everything, from the Catholic Church to Halloween.


One of the true classics is the hilarious tract on the evil of role-playing games, Dark Dungeons, from which the above is adapted. An excellent parody is Darque Dungeon. Similarly, Chick's unintentionally funny tract on evolution was parodied and debunked here.

Chick subscribes to the born-again Christian view, which basically holds that in order for your soul to be saved, you have to say some magical words to Jesus. This was excellently dissected in Somebody loves you?, which completes the story of the original Chick tract.

**

The world of the Chick tracts is occasionally very strange. As I worked on my parody, I had to take a fairly close look at a bunch of them. One of the first tracts I ever read, in fact probably the second one after the Islam one, was Trust Me. It's a strange tract; a kid takes drugs for seemingly no reason and ends up in prison. After he prays to Jesus, he dies. It's a bit of a bummer.

Here's the unaltered first panel:


Seriously, what the hell is going on? Apparently there's an evil bus driving past, because someone is hanging what looks like a child from a window, and someone else is firing a gun. Maybe that's what Jack Chick thinks a city is like, I don't know. But for whatever reason, his tracts all have a weird sense of unreality; often the circumstances or actions of characters are just unbelievable, such as his idea of city life in the above panel, and even more so the fact that when a kid in that environment sees that hand beckoning to him, he follows it and does everything he's told.

In others, it's the total ignorance of the protagonists, who are almost invariably set up to convert to fundie Christianity:


Of course, it's either that or going to hell, also a popular topic:



Parodying Chick tracts is fun. Here's a panel I created for my parody, with my alterations and the original text.


After all, if you really want to know about the world we live in, read Why We're Here, a tract that tells you the truth.

Television Stuff

I know I have not written about TV shows in two weeks, but I figured this week would be a good one.  Where shall I start?

The Event
I have no idea if I want to watch this show or not.  Are the people aliens or something?  Do I actually care?  The jumping around got on my nerves.  Flashbacks worked for Lost, but just bouncing around with characters is not very interesting.

At least Sarah Roemer is really hot.  Maybe we can just watch her in a bikini every week.  Better than nothing, right?

House
The season premiere of House was pretty good.  It picked up right where the finale left off.  House and Cuddy have sex.  He starts to over-analyze things, but by the end of the episode he says he loves her.  Awe.

It was funny watching his team try to solve the neurosurgeon problem.  Did Thirteen actually leave the team?  Or will she be back?  Is this one of those things that Olivia Wilde realizes she is super-hot and needs to be doing movies (hopefully porn).
Sons of Anarchy
Gemma and Tara accidentally kill Officer Ramirez (I have no idea what the caregivers name was, but she played Ramirez in the Dark Knight).  Tig calls a cleaner and it turns out to be Stephen King!  How awesome was that?

Jax and the club prepare to head up to Canada.  They set up a party with the Asians, Opie has his girlfriend bring some of her porn friends down, but Opie gets pissed when he sees her with one of the guys (she volunteered to help Jax).  A brawl ensues.

Cherry learns that Half-Sack is dead (she was living in Ireland with the lady who has Abel).  The Sons of Anarchy Belfast crew stop by her place and ask if she knows anything.  She says no, but she wants Cherry to get in touch with Gemma.  I guess she was going to help give them Abel.  Or maybe not, it seems like she was in love with John Teller.

Supernatural
The season premiere was pretty good.  It turns out that not only did Sam come back, but also Samuel (the Winchester's grandfather).  A couple of djinn attack Dean and that is how he learns about Sam being alive.  They reunite for a battle against the djinn. Naturally they win, but in the end Dean decides to stay with Lisa and Ben.  Good for him.  It will not last.

The best thing though is that the supernaturals are acting different.  Werewolves out during half-moons, nocturnal creatures in the daylight, and all knew creatures.  Seems like it could be pretty fun.  Also, Samuel and his boys seem to be doing something shady, why did they capture the female djinn?  She was pretty hot too.  Hope she turns up soon.
 Mad Men
Last week Mrs. Blankenship died.  Roger naturally makes this statement:  “She died like she lived, surrounded by the people she answered phones for.”  And then Bert gives this great line:  “She was born in 1898 in a barn. She died on the 37th floor of a skyscraper. She was an astronaut.”

Roger and Joan had sex after being mugged.  It was creepy and sexy at the same time.  It turns out that Faye is not a child psychologist and that Sally is constantly creepy.

This week Lane decided to be absolutely weird by taking his dad and Don to the Playboy Club to meet his girlfriend.  Roger apparently knocked up Joan and then got a lecture from a doctor.  And Don has the Defense Department looking into his past because of the aviation contract.  Don threatening to leave almost caused Pete to shit his pants.

Don's lies almost cause him to have a heart attack, but Dr. Faye saves him (or listens while he pukes).  Later he tells her the truth about himself.  I think Don may have found his equal.

Why is there a picture of Roger?  Well he learns that Lucky Strike is dropping them.  He realizes how worthless he would be without that account.  He starts calling people in his Rolodex, but finds out that one of his old friends is dead now.   Then at the partner meeting he explodes on Pete for losing the aviation account (Don told him to), he even dropped at F-bomb (they bleeped him out).  He did not tell anyone though.

The show ends with Don getting the Beatles tickets from his secretary Megan after Dr. Faye leaves.  He stares at her for a second and you can tell that he wonders if he should go for Faye or maybe after Megan.  Megan was good with Sally and did everything she could to make up for the mistake she made (she did not make a mistake, but Don treated her like she did).  Very interesting. 

Boardwalk Empire
I think this show is going to be great.  Sometimes it feels like a Coen Brothers movie.  The thing I really love though, is that it is before Mad Men.  It is funny how the country changed from that era to the 60s.  And how things did not change at all.

In the second episode Jimmy gets a blowjob by asking his wife to "do that French thing."  She responds with "oh, you want me to use my mouth?"  Hahaha.  By the 1960s, sweet coeds were going down on partners of ad agencies in the back of taxi cabs, now that is progress!

The ending was pretty great.  It reminded me of Louis CK's joke about the saddest form of sex.  That girl giving the guy a handjob was about as pathetic as it gets.  Only a half dead guy could ruin it.

Penn State Versus Temple

On Saturday I got to go to the Penn State Game with my friend Jason.  Before I get into that, allow me to say that I was pretty exhausted from the night before.

Friday night I went over to Altoona in order to drink with some friends.  I woke up at 8:00 a.m. and came back to Philipsburg, got a shower and went over to the game.

We started tailgating around 11:00 and it was a pretty good time.  Nothing crazy, since we were basically hanging out in the rich people section. 

I discovered that I am actually pretty decent at cornhole.  I rarely get to play because I never get a chance to go out for a tailgate.  Anyways, the first time I ever played was at Ryan's and we played far apart (much like in this picture).  I always enjoy listening to the confusion as people figure out the score.  It amuses me.

The game was at 3:30 and as you can see from the picture above, we sat in the southern end zone.  Apparently this is the rich, white people section (as Jason would say).  No bleacher seats.  Better food.  Ah yes, it is the life.

Penn State started off with Evan Royster running 51 yards and I thought "oh yeah, here we go, another Temple massacre."  That drive ended with a field goal and then Temple decided to score two touchdowns. 

Penn State finally scored a touchdown in the fourth quarter making it 22-13.  It was kind of boring, but still a fun time.  Needless to say, Jason missed much of the second quarter because he was taking a little nap.

I feel they should make the stadium rotate.  That way I would not have gotten burnt on one side of my neck.  Or maybe they would allow your analogue on the north side switch sides each quarter, at least to even things out. 

When I got home from the game I wanted to take a little nap.  Well that nap turned into a coma as I missed all my alarms, all the text messages, and all the phone calls of people wanting me to go out.  I woke up Sunday morning at 8:30.  Another 12 hour sleepfest.  This is why you should always get a good nights sleep.  You do not want to end up passing out from exhaustion.

It was a great day, thanks Jason for giving me a ticket.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Seeing Buried Is Worst Than Being Buried!

The Verdict:
DON'T SEE!

Why?
It's beyond absurd a man trapped in a coffin, buried alive underground can survive without air for as long as Paul Conroy is trapped.
More absurd he has a cell phone and can't get rescued.
Buried is just an absurd movie that's excruciating to watch.

REVIEW:
Buried is easiest the worst movie of 2010. I've never been so happy to see the credits rolling to a film. It was as I predicted, preposterous!
Ryan Reynolds (National Lampoon's Van Wilder, The Proposal) is the only actor (seen) in this thriller, disbelievingly playing a man, Paul Conroy, who finds himself in a coffin buried underground somewhere with only a cell phone, lighter and knife all while being held for a ransom of $5 million dollars.
Sure.
With a cell phone, you'd think he'd be able to get out of the death trap he's in. Think again. Authorities don't believe him and keeps getting voice mails from loved ones when he does call for help.
After the first thirty minutes or so, I was hoping he'd either suffocate or get rescued already so the movie could end. Unfortunately there was an hour to go.
Sure the plot is original and there are some great camera angles and shots. Some storyline surprises are even tossed in that make Buried a little bearable. But not that bearable.
After Buried finally ended, audiences members let out loud sighs of relief to loud curses to loud laughing at the ridiculousness of what they just saw. I joined in. I wanted Reynolds to personally give me my $12 back.
If Buried ended after thirty minutes I would have been happy. But an hour and a half is too painfully long to watch a man in his premature grave make useless phone calls for help.
You will wish you are Paul Conroy buried in the coffin, instead of an audience member if you see Buried.



On Wall Street Greed Is Still Good


The Verdict:
GO SEE!

Why?
Michael Douglas is still at his best 20 years later, replaying the icon of greed, Gordon Gekko. Shia LaBeouf is wonderful to watch as Gekko's  money loving yet good-hearted future son-in-law. And Josh Brolin is wickedly good as Wall Street's new Gekko. If you loved Wall Street, you'll definitely love Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.


REVIEW:
Gordon Gekko is back!
Michael Douglas (Wall Street, Fatal Attraction) is of course at his greatest reprising the money hungry, manipulative, greedy Gekko from Wall Street (1987).
After 8 years of being in prison for money crimes of insider trading and securities fraud, Gekko is a free man.
Is he reformed? Yes and of course no.
Gekko is now making money legally selling his book, "Is Greed Good?"and lecturing at colleges. But his main goal is to win back the love of his daughter Winnie (a cute, Carey Mulligan, An Education, Never Let Me Go). 
Winnie is engaged to Jake Moore (a great Shia LaBeouf, Disturbia, Transformers series), an ambitious but caring young man working on Wall Street in proprietary trading. 
Jake is curious about Gekko and goes to one of his lectures where afterwards he introduces himself as Winnie's fiance. Gekko is interested, seeing Jake as a way to get back into his daughter's life.
Beyond the story of reconciliation, there is also one of revenge. Jake wants to take revenge on Bretton James (a fabulous villain played by Josh Brolin, W., Jonah Hex), the new Gordon Gekko it seems--- a shady, powerful, greedy businessman who indirectly causes the suicide of Jake's boss Lewis Zabel (Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon, The Box) after Bretton buys Zabel's company.
From beginning to end, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is exhilarating. The action lies in the wonderful performances of the the actors (including an amusing Susan Sarandon (Thelma & Louise, The Lovely Bones) as Jake's co-dependent mother) and the conversations between them. Dialogue is everything. It's witty. Truthful. Damaging.
Fans of Wall Street are in for a treat for the scene mid-movie where a "certain someone" from the 80's classic makes a brief appearance. Hint: It's not Darien Taylor (Daryl Hannah, Splash, Kill Bill series).
The sequel Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps greatly picks off where Wall Street left off.
Is greed still good?
Yes!