Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Happy Easter
I saw this over at UnfollowingJesus and a few people posted it on Facebook as well.
Just something for you religious folks to remember about us atheists: just because we do not believe in gods does not mean we are not good people. So have a Happy Easter everyone!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Ancient Aliens Ridiculousness
The last two episodes of Ancient Aliens have been even more idiotic than usual. I love that they use the same six locations/incidents as proof and they just try to reanalyze it each episode. One of these episodes focused on Pumapunku, which is a pre-Incan site in Bolivia. You may recognize it as the place with these giant H-blocks.
Needless to say, Ancient Alien Theorists believe this place was built by aliens. The place was built with immense precision and David Chidress shows us this precision by taking a square and showing how the cuts are exactly 90 degrees. Except, if you watch him, he puts the square against the block and you can see that the square is not even close to being exact. I am not taking anything away from the ancient engineers, but if you are claiming an advanced race made these blocks and they are not 100% exact, I am not buying it.
Speaking of David Childress...who is this guy? He comes off as some expert in archaeology, but unfortunately, he actually has no real credentials. He spent one year at a university. He writes books about this crap and people consider him an expert. Makes me laugh.
Another thing the AAT kept pointing to was the fact that inside these granite blocks, there are holes drilled into them. They claim that these holes must have been cut with some kind of drill from the future. Maybe a hypersonic drill. Do you know why they claim this? When they had an expert look at the cuts, he said there was no evidence of any kind of mechanical tool used, that the markings were typical of some kind of hand tool. Granted, the guy said that he did not think they were made with the known tools of that society at that time.
Naturally, the AAT people came to the conclusion that they must have used something that we do not have yet. Instead of trying to find a reasonable explanation, they went out and said "oh, it must be a hypersonic laser drill from Space Home Depot."
One of the theories regarding how the ancient folks moved these blocks the 10 KM up into the mountains says that the people used trees as rollers. The AAT people say that this is impossible because there are no trees up that high. Umm, this is true, but there are trees near the actual quarry site. It would seem to make more sense to lay the rollers as you go, not backwards. Or you can claim that they were levitated there by aliens. Yep, that makes more sense.
The AAT also claim that the granite is flat, which is proof that it was worked by aliens. I am not a geologist, but I could have sworn that I heard in some science class once that granite can be naturally flat. I have no clue whether or not the quarry where the large stones came from actually is one of those sites that produces relatively flat blocks. However, that would probably be what I would look into.
My favorite part of the episode involved a reconstruction of what the site must have looked like. They theorize that these blocks must have interconnected to either become a landing pad or a launch ramp. Allow me to explain this for a second.
These aliens travel millions of light-years, they have a technology that allows them to basically bend the laws of physics. They either have to create wormholes, which would take an enormous amount of energy, or maybe the discovered something that travels faster than light. Even though these things sound super improbable, stay with me.
They get to Earth and the first thing they do is build a landing port made out of granite. They do not have some kind of material or portable landing pad? Why would they need a launch ramp? If they made it here, would they really need to build a granite launch pad? They would not come prepared?
Another idea is that they used Pumapunku as a base camp. Again, I ask why build such a massive structure? When our military went to Iraq, they did not start building a ziggurat to house the troops. Nor did they start making tents out of animal hides like the Bedouin use. No, they brought their own portable camps with them. You mean to tell me that aliens would not have tents? Or some awesome pop up building?
The reason the H-blocks are no longer in place is because it appears that an earthquake may have hit the area at some point. Or, if you are an AAT: aliens destroyed the site with lasers (or a meteor) before they left. Yet, I would think if they fired some super energy weapon at their own base camp that we would see some evidence. Right? Heat marks on the blocks? What if they used a meteor? I would hope there would be some evidence.
Or maybe there was a cosmic battle and another alien group came and destroyed the base. After they destroyed the base though, they flew back there and picked up all the dead aliens and dropped weapons. The wreckage was cleaned up thoroughly and to this day there is no proof of this epic battle.
The last episode focused on Bigfoot. Yep, Bigfoot. The AAT claim that there is a connection between UFO sightings and Bigfoot. There probably is a connection. Crazy people who think they see Bigfoot, whenever they see a bear, probably identify a plane as an UFO as well.
I was actually somewhat excited about this episode since I actually like watching Bigfoot shows. They are so ridiculous, but they try so hard to be scientific. I will actually give them points for that one. They at least try. The AAT do not even try. They just make shit up.
For example, they claim that Enkido from The Epic of Gilgamesh must have been a Bigfoot. Because he was described as a hairy wild man. Without getting into too much of an analysis of that story, let me just say that Enkido represents the uncivilized aspect of the world around Sumer during that time. Gilgamesh has to go out and try to defeat the wild, yet cannot. Instead he gives Enkido a girl and that tames the wild man.
I honestly did not find too much to really care about the episode. They were grasping at straws. The only really far out theory was that the aliens built the Oregon caves in order to hide Bigfoot. Seems reasonable to me.
The other day when I was at Barnes and Noble I decided to pick up Philip Coppens book, The Ancient Alien Question. I was intrigued as I read the first couple chapters. He basically goes about disproving many of the theories. Then I skipped ahead to his conclusion and he still believes in ancient aliens because of the proof in his book, which like the other "proof" is just misinterpretation.
Needless to say, Ancient Alien Theorists believe this place was built by aliens. The place was built with immense precision and David Chidress shows us this precision by taking a square and showing how the cuts are exactly 90 degrees. Except, if you watch him, he puts the square against the block and you can see that the square is not even close to being exact. I am not taking anything away from the ancient engineers, but if you are claiming an advanced race made these blocks and they are not 100% exact, I am not buying it.Speaking of David Childress...who is this guy? He comes off as some expert in archaeology, but unfortunately, he actually has no real credentials. He spent one year at a university. He writes books about this crap and people consider him an expert. Makes me laugh.
Another thing the AAT kept pointing to was the fact that inside these granite blocks, there are holes drilled into them. They claim that these holes must have been cut with some kind of drill from the future. Maybe a hypersonic drill. Do you know why they claim this? When they had an expert look at the cuts, he said there was no evidence of any kind of mechanical tool used, that the markings were typical of some kind of hand tool. Granted, the guy said that he did not think they were made with the known tools of that society at that time.
Naturally, the AAT people came to the conclusion that they must have used something that we do not have yet. Instead of trying to find a reasonable explanation, they went out and said "oh, it must be a hypersonic laser drill from Space Home Depot."
One of the theories regarding how the ancient folks moved these blocks the 10 KM up into the mountains says that the people used trees as rollers. The AAT people say that this is impossible because there are no trees up that high. Umm, this is true, but there are trees near the actual quarry site. It would seem to make more sense to lay the rollers as you go, not backwards. Or you can claim that they were levitated there by aliens. Yep, that makes more sense.
The AAT also claim that the granite is flat, which is proof that it was worked by aliens. I am not a geologist, but I could have sworn that I heard in some science class once that granite can be naturally flat. I have no clue whether or not the quarry where the large stones came from actually is one of those sites that produces relatively flat blocks. However, that would probably be what I would look into.
My favorite part of the episode involved a reconstruction of what the site must have looked like. They theorize that these blocks must have interconnected to either become a landing pad or a launch ramp. Allow me to explain this for a second.
These aliens travel millions of light-years, they have a technology that allows them to basically bend the laws of physics. They either have to create wormholes, which would take an enormous amount of energy, or maybe the discovered something that travels faster than light. Even though these things sound super improbable, stay with me.
They get to Earth and the first thing they do is build a landing port made out of granite. They do not have some kind of material or portable landing pad? Why would they need a launch ramp? If they made it here, would they really need to build a granite launch pad? They would not come prepared?
Another idea is that they used Pumapunku as a base camp. Again, I ask why build such a massive structure? When our military went to Iraq, they did not start building a ziggurat to house the troops. Nor did they start making tents out of animal hides like the Bedouin use. No, they brought their own portable camps with them. You mean to tell me that aliens would not have tents? Or some awesome pop up building?
The reason the H-blocks are no longer in place is because it appears that an earthquake may have hit the area at some point. Or, if you are an AAT: aliens destroyed the site with lasers (or a meteor) before they left. Yet, I would think if they fired some super energy weapon at their own base camp that we would see some evidence. Right? Heat marks on the blocks? What if they used a meteor? I would hope there would be some evidence.
Or maybe there was a cosmic battle and another alien group came and destroyed the base. After they destroyed the base though, they flew back there and picked up all the dead aliens and dropped weapons. The wreckage was cleaned up thoroughly and to this day there is no proof of this epic battle.
The last episode focused on Bigfoot. Yep, Bigfoot. The AAT claim that there is a connection between UFO sightings and Bigfoot. There probably is a connection. Crazy people who think they see Bigfoot, whenever they see a bear, probably identify a plane as an UFO as well.
I was actually somewhat excited about this episode since I actually like watching Bigfoot shows. They are so ridiculous, but they try so hard to be scientific. I will actually give them points for that one. They at least try. The AAT do not even try. They just make shit up.
For example, they claim that Enkido from The Epic of Gilgamesh must have been a Bigfoot. Because he was described as a hairy wild man. Without getting into too much of an analysis of that story, let me just say that Enkido represents the uncivilized aspect of the world around Sumer during that time. Gilgamesh has to go out and try to defeat the wild, yet cannot. Instead he gives Enkido a girl and that tames the wild man.
I honestly did not find too much to really care about the episode. They were grasping at straws. The only really far out theory was that the aliens built the Oregon caves in order to hide Bigfoot. Seems reasonable to me.The other day when I was at Barnes and Noble I decided to pick up Philip Coppens book, The Ancient Alien Question. I was intrigued as I read the first couple chapters. He basically goes about disproving many of the theories. Then I skipped ahead to his conclusion and he still believes in ancient aliens because of the proof in his book, which like the other "proof" is just misinterpretation.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Weigh-In Wednesday VII
Damn, I should have made this weigh-in Tuesday. yesterday I was at 178.9. This morning I was at 181.0. I guess Tuesday would not work with the whole alliteration thing. My stomach is starting to actually reduce in size. Lindsey actually noticed it last night. Pretty damn awesome if you ask me.
The real question is, what should I do with my weekly Wednesday post? I guess this will be a place where I give my opinion on something. Or whatever. Obviously I will post my weight...
For Valentine's Day, Lindsey bought me a subscription to two magazines: Biblical Archaeology Review and Archaeology. I used to have a subscription to BAR, but I dropped it once they only focused on the James Ossuary and was solely focused on trying to prove that the ossuary was real. I have believed from the beginning that the ossuary was a fake, but that it was probably forged a long time ago. Probably someone from the James camp trying to prove that he was Jesus' brother. That is neither here nor there though.
Well there is another ossuary out there, apparently the Jonah Ossuary is the new big find. You can go to Robert Cargill's blog to read more about it. I am hoping that BAR does not hop onto this one as well. This seems pretty clear if you read enough about the evidence.
So yeah, give these things a read. Look into them. Learn about stuff. It can be fun. I promise.
The real question is, what should I do with my weekly Wednesday post? I guess this will be a place where I give my opinion on something. Or whatever. Obviously I will post my weight...
For Valentine's Day, Lindsey bought me a subscription to two magazines: Biblical Archaeology Review and Archaeology. I used to have a subscription to BAR, but I dropped it once they only focused on the James Ossuary and was solely focused on trying to prove that the ossuary was real. I have believed from the beginning that the ossuary was a fake, but that it was probably forged a long time ago. Probably someone from the James camp trying to prove that he was Jesus' brother. That is neither here nor there though.
Well there is another ossuary out there, apparently the Jonah Ossuary is the new big find. You can go to Robert Cargill's blog to read more about it. I am hoping that BAR does not hop onto this one as well. This seems pretty clear if you read enough about the evidence.
So yeah, give these things a read. Look into them. Learn about stuff. It can be fun. I promise.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Jesus Likes Slaves!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Bill Maher's Atheism is Not a Religion
For my religious friends who like to argue that atheism is a religion...
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
2012: Taking Advantage of the Idiots
As I mentioned in a previous post, there is much I want to discuss concerning the end of the world. Today we will look at the companies that take advantage of these people who believe in this sort of thing. At first I thought these companies were terrible for preying on a person's fear over the uncertainty.
Then as I started to think about it, I came to another conclusion: good for these companies. If someone is idiotic enough to believe the world will end in December, then you deserve to lose some money to a smart businessperson.
Home Security
The first company I heard about was Hardened Structures, which seems pretty cool when you start to look at some of their products. Seriously, head over to the site and explore for a second.
Clipped from: www.hardenedstructures.com (share this clip)If you go to the 2012 section, you will see that they offer plenty of protection for when the inevitable happens. They discuss what might possibly happen and how they plan to protect you from it. These are the things this amazing structure will protect you from:
I mean, just look at one of these things. They look pretty damn awesome. I might actually live in one myself. Especially for those of you that know about my insane fear of windows.
They are developing these pods into full-size communities across the world, I have no idea if people have actually purchased them, but I would be willing to bet that a few have been purchased. Also, the report that I saw also stated that Hardened Structures had been contracted to build arks, costing around $20 million dollars each for groups of very rich people. These things can apparently survive at sea for like 5-10 years and can even submerge. Pretty insane, right?
Now, why do I think this is such a brilliant idea? Well how could you prove that your shelter did not work. I mean, if you pay this company millions of dollars for a house or an ark, how do you know if it will survive any of these things? I mean, if the end of the world does come and your house actually does not protect you, it is not like you can sue the guy. If the end of the world does not come, you will never know if your house works that way. This company does not claim the end of the world is coming. So smart...
Personal Protection
Again, at first I thought this one was pretty ridiculous. This lady started a company that offers basic survival skills and weapons training for the upcoming apocalypse.
Clipped from: safeorsorry.net (share this clip)
They charge $250, which seems pretty steep. I mean, how hard is it to go to a gun range and practice shooting. Or buy some books about survival and going out camping? Granted this stuff would cost money, but you can usually find a way around that stuff.
You can go around the site and see all sorts of interesting things. I feel like she is taking advantage of people. Then as I was looking at the founders page, I noticed something interesting.
Pet Service
This one is aimed at the Rapture folks, but I am sure there will be a similar thing focused at the 2012 folks.
Clipped from: eternal-earthbound-pets.com (share this clip)
If you go to the FAQ, you see that these people are atheists and that for $135, once the Rapture happens, they will pick up your pets and take care of them. This one just cracks me up and like I said, I am sure they could retool this page or at least offer a 2012 End of the World deal. Maybe people could upgrade their service for another $150 because obviously, if the world comes to an end and shit gets crazy, it will take a little more money for one of these care providers to reach your pet...
I need to think of my own smart business idea to scam these believers out of their hard-earned cash.
Then as I started to think about it, I came to another conclusion: good for these companies. If someone is idiotic enough to believe the world will end in December, then you deserve to lose some money to a smart businessperson.
Home Security
The first company I heard about was Hardened Structures, which seems pretty cool when you start to look at some of their products. Seriously, head over to the site and explore for a second.
Clipped from: www.hardenedstructures.com (share this clip)
- 3 Bar blast overpressure protection
- Multiple Seismic Events
- 100% waterproof
- Blast doors
- Fully Protected against EMP (Electromagnetic Pulse) and HEMP (High Altitude Electromagnetic Pulse). Fiberglass shelters cannot offer EMP/HEMP protection, see more at the bottom of the page.
- 100% rust resistance (zinc anodes)
- The best military grade NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) air filtration system available in the world (Temet)
- Integrated emergency escape hatch
They are developing these pods into full-size communities across the world, I have no idea if people have actually purchased them, but I would be willing to bet that a few have been purchased. Also, the report that I saw also stated that Hardened Structures had been contracted to build arks, costing around $20 million dollars each for groups of very rich people. These things can apparently survive at sea for like 5-10 years and can even submerge. Pretty insane, right?
Now, why do I think this is such a brilliant idea? Well how could you prove that your shelter did not work. I mean, if you pay this company millions of dollars for a house or an ark, how do you know if it will survive any of these things? I mean, if the end of the world does come and your house actually does not protect you, it is not like you can sue the guy. If the end of the world does not come, you will never know if your house works that way. This company does not claim the end of the world is coming. So smart...
Personal Protection
Again, at first I thought this one was pretty ridiculous. This lady started a company that offers basic survival skills and weapons training for the upcoming apocalypse.
Clipped from: safeorsorry.net (share this clip)They charge $250, which seems pretty steep. I mean, how hard is it to go to a gun range and practice shooting. Or buy some books about survival and going out camping? Granted this stuff would cost money, but you can usually find a way around that stuff.
So she is willing to offer the course for free to women who cannot afford it? Yeah, that makes her a pretty decent person. And to be honest, it is not like these are terrible skills to have." I want all to know how grateful I am, for all those seeking training from SafeorSorry.net... It is a very important to me that you learn and practice our training, as well as other training. I want everyone to be able to protect themselves, especially women, mothers and children.... If you feel you can NOT afford my course please email me personally ( r.peterson@safeorsorry.net) with your story and I will give you the course for free, no problem, no questions asked."
Pet Service
This one is aimed at the Rapture folks, but I am sure there will be a similar thing focused at the 2012 folks.
Clipped from: eternal-earthbound-pets.com (share this clip)If you go to the FAQ, you see that these people are atheists and that for $135, once the Rapture happens, they will pick up your pets and take care of them. This one just cracks me up and like I said, I am sure they could retool this page or at least offer a 2012 End of the World deal. Maybe people could upgrade their service for another $150 because obviously, if the world comes to an end and shit gets crazy, it will take a little more money for one of these care providers to reach your pet...
I need to think of my own smart business idea to scam these believers out of their hard-earned cash.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Happy Yule!
Four years ago, I started this blog with a post titled There's no such thing as Christmas, and I'm here to remind everyone, once again, to stop trying to put your Christ into our pagan winter solstice festival. There's no such thing as Jesus, either, because he's made up and never lived. If you want to celebrate a made-up character, go right ahead, but don't act like you own the winter solstice. It and the celebration that goes with it was around before any current religion, and will be around when they've been consigned to the rubbish heap of history where they belong.
Speaking of history, by the way, here's some. Enjoy.
Speaking of history, by the way, here's some. Enjoy.
Read more on Wikipedia, if you're interested. Happy Yule, everybody!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Higgs, Aliens, Sportsmenship, and Being Tough
I thought about making these into a bunch of small posts, but figured I would combine them into one big one. Be prepared for some fun.
Higgs Boson
I am not going to even pretend to know much about particle physics, but from what I understand, there could be some pretty exciting news coming in the near-future. Here is a BBC article that is much better at explaining things than me.
I will not lie, I love watching programs on Science when they start talking about quantum and particle physics. I understand it a bit, but still find it absolutely fascinating.
Aliens Attacking Mercury
I will bet money that at some point we will see this incorporated into an episode of Ancient Aliens. Wait, you have no clue what I am talking about? Allow me to explain:
Apparently, images from NASA showed something near the planet Mercury. The best thing to do is to jump to a conclusion about what it could possibly be: a cloaked alien spaceship. I shit you not. Listen to this idiot explain his findings (I am guessing he is not a scientist).
As I watched this, I thought the dude must be a little crazy. I decided to do a quick search to see if I could find more about it. Then I found this article and basically scientists already explained what we were seeing. People do not realize just how much work goes into cleaning up pictures from satellites and how tricky it is to take a picture of things that far away.
Bad Call?
I was listening to the radio the other morning and I heard the sports radio guys (I think from 93.7 in Pittsburgh) talking about how this referee made a terrible call during this Massachusetts football game. The QB breaks free and runs it in for a long touchdown. The ref throws a flag and it is called back because he raised a fist during the run.
I guess the call was unnecessary celebration or unsportsmanlike conduct. They were going on about how it is ridiculous and the kid should just be allowed to have fun and enjoy the moment. Oh, and by the way, after the penalty, the QB threw a pick, which led to a TD and the win for the other team.
At first I was on their side until I started thinking about it. They said that the ref warned both teams before the game that any first raising, or pointing to the sky would be penalized. If he warned them, then I am sorry, it was just a stupid thing to do. It is not like the ref waited, as soon as he saw that hand go up, he threw the flag (well more like when the hand goes down).
I have a feeling most people will disagree with me on that one though...
Atheist Sign
I actually have very little to say on this one. Just that I like it.
Big Ben
I hate when people try to make the argument that Ben Roethlisberger fakes these injuries in order to get attention. I mean seriously, why would he leave the game and miss the end of the first half against the Browns unless he was actually in pain.
Or wait, I bet he actually faked that whole appendectomy thing. Or the numerous other injuries we have seen him take over the years. How come he plays with injuries all the time and people question it, yet back in the day people praised Brett Favre for being a warrior.
Seriously, this shit is getting old. Also, people who think the Steelers would be better off with Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon starting are most likely retarded. They need to stop huffing paint thinner.
Higgs BosonI am not going to even pretend to know much about particle physics, but from what I understand, there could be some pretty exciting news coming in the near-future. Here is a BBC article that is much better at explaining things than me.
I will not lie, I love watching programs on Science when they start talking about quantum and particle physics. I understand it a bit, but still find it absolutely fascinating.
Aliens Attacking Mercury
I will bet money that at some point we will see this incorporated into an episode of Ancient Aliens. Wait, you have no clue what I am talking about? Allow me to explain:
Apparently, images from NASA showed something near the planet Mercury. The best thing to do is to jump to a conclusion about what it could possibly be: a cloaked alien spaceship. I shit you not. Listen to this idiot explain his findings (I am guessing he is not a scientist).
As I watched this, I thought the dude must be a little crazy. I decided to do a quick search to see if I could find more about it. Then I found this article and basically scientists already explained what we were seeing. People do not realize just how much work goes into cleaning up pictures from satellites and how tricky it is to take a picture of things that far away.
Bad Call?
I was listening to the radio the other morning and I heard the sports radio guys (I think from 93.7 in Pittsburgh) talking about how this referee made a terrible call during this Massachusetts football game. The QB breaks free and runs it in for a long touchdown. The ref throws a flag and it is called back because he raised a fist during the run.
I guess the call was unnecessary celebration or unsportsmanlike conduct. They were going on about how it is ridiculous and the kid should just be allowed to have fun and enjoy the moment. Oh, and by the way, after the penalty, the QB threw a pick, which led to a TD and the win for the other team.
At first I was on their side until I started thinking about it. They said that the ref warned both teams before the game that any first raising, or pointing to the sky would be penalized. If he warned them, then I am sorry, it was just a stupid thing to do. It is not like the ref waited, as soon as he saw that hand go up, he threw the flag (well more like when the hand goes down).
I have a feeling most people will disagree with me on that one though...
Atheist Sign
I actually have very little to say on this one. Just that I like it.
I hate when people try to make the argument that Ben Roethlisberger fakes these injuries in order to get attention. I mean seriously, why would he leave the game and miss the end of the first half against the Browns unless he was actually in pain.
Or wait, I bet he actually faked that whole appendectomy thing. Or the numerous other injuries we have seen him take over the years. How come he plays with injuries all the time and people question it, yet back in the day people praised Brett Favre for being a warrior.
Seriously, this shit is getting old. Also, people who think the Steelers would be better off with Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon starting are most likely retarded. They need to stop huffing paint thinner.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Beware of Raptor Jesus!
Something tells me people would have lost a few more limbs trying to put this mo'fo on a cross...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Jack Chick and the Apocrypha
I've discussed Jack Chick and his insane tracts before on this blog, but it's a subject worth returning to. Here to remind us why that is is Detective Constable Charles Ennis of British Columbia:
This may seem silly stuff to many of you readers and it would be if it weren't for the fact that so many people take these publications seriously. Chick's business has thrived for decades and his tracts are available in 100 different languages. Chick has distributors in England, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Germany. Police officers have used these tracts as a resource. For example: The comic The Force was used as the basis for a history of Satanism presented by Detective Eisenbraun of the Rapid City Police Department in his presentation on Satanic Crime in Bismarck, North Dakota in 1989.
As it happens, The Force takes us right to the heart of the matter.
This rabidly anti-Catholic comic is part four of the Alberto series, the first installment of which you can read here. It's this kind of stuff:
It was a Freemason symbol! That's because in the late Alberto Rivera's conspiracy theory, the Catholic church controls not only the Freemasons, but communists, Jews and atheists all over the world, and, by the way, created Islam in order to destroy Jews and Protestants.
The remarkable Alberto Rivera was a con artist and fraud who sold his lunatic brand of anti-Catholic hysteria to Jack Chick by posing as an ex-priest who had become disenchanted with the Catholic world conspiracy. Thanks to WayBackMachine, you can read an exposé of him that ran in Cornerstone magazine here. Cornerstone may have been an evangelical looney magazine, but some evangelical nutcases were just too nuts for them. Here's a quote from the Rivera piece:
What does Jack Chick think about this? It's hard to find out, because he has made it a policy not to speak with reporters. But when he was finally reached by phone at his home, he said that he had never met a more godly man than Alberto, and that he knows Alberto's story is true because he ,.prayed about it." Jack says he expects his own life to be taken by Jesuit assassins.
Yeah.
Chick is a Protestant fundamentalist. Fundamentalism is a name the movement has given itself, because it supposedly defends the fundaments of Christianity. Like all Protestant movements, they consider themselves more Biblical than the others (and certainly more Biblical than the Pope!), and almost all fundamentalists profess a belief in Biblical inerrancy. The latter is the idea that the Bible is completely and entirely true; a position held by, for instance, Republican presidential candidate candidate Rick Perry. He also believes the Authorized King James Version of the Bible to be the only true word of god.
Now, I take an almost macabre interest in the Biblical exegesis of fundamentalist Christians, because I'm somewhat interested in the Bible as a text, and because it's entertaining that they paint themselves as "Biblical". Most of all, though, the notion of someone claiming the Bible to be "infallible", or that they believe it "literally", is just too hysterical to pass up. So now our blog has a "Bible" label.
**
This time around, I'm going to take a look at Jack Chick's downright bizarre "King James onlyism", in the form of this tract:
Here's the blurb:
See the behind-the-scenes struggle to destroy the King James Bible, and how God preserved it.
Just so you know how reliable our sources are, and appreciate the tie-in with Alberto, this is what appears on the very first page:
Yeah, thanks, "ex-Jesuit priest" Alberto.
To start off, we're told an incredibly bizarre story about how Catholics assassinated the Puritan translators of the King James Bible:
Presumably, this is some of the "information" provided by Alberto, as I've been unable to find a single non-Chick source for this notion that a Catholic conspiracy murdered any of the King James Bible translators. Alberto seems to just, I don't know, make stuff up.
We're then told that "Satan has always tried to change, add to or take away from God's words", first in the Garden of Eden and then:
So according to Jack Chick, the Old Testament Apocrypha are a Satanic plot against Christianity.
Obviously, the notion that no "true Christians" have accepted the Apocrypha is a fairly well-known fallacy in itself, and taking it at face value makes some rather drastic claims about the Christianity of, say, the earliest church. Also, the Apocrypha were never "denounced" and totally rejected by Judaism, even though they weren't included in the canonical Hebrew Bible. However, he argues against the Apocrypha some more:
So, Jesus never quoted the Apocrypha, sez Chick. He didn't really quote any of the Old Testament books that much, but made frequent allusions to them. The trouble is, he also frequently alluded to the Apocrypha. Here's a few examples (from the King James Bible, naturally).
Matthew 6: 19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
Sirach 29: 11 Lay up thy treasure according to the commandments of the most High, and it shall bring thee more profit than gold.
Matthew 7: 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
Sirach 27: 6 The fruit declareth if the tree have been dressed; so is the utterance of a conceit in the heart of man.
There's several more direct allusions to the Book of the All-Virtuous Wisdom of Jesus ben Sira, which has the most awesome name of any Biblical book ever, including Jesus' parable of the seed falling on stony ground.
For more examples, contrast Jesus' refrain from Mark 9 ("Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched") with Judith 16:17:
Woe to the nations that rise up against my kindred! the Lord Almighty will take vengeance of them in the day of judgment, in putting fire and worms in their flesh; and they shall feel them, and weep for ever.
Even though it's slightly anticlimactic that the Book of Judith is just called the Book of Judith, it has inspired some great art, like Judith by Jan Sanders van Hemessen, which I was going to show here but got censored by Blogger, and the similarly named Judith, by Valentin de Boulogne. Dudes really liked painting her.
One more example: Jesus' description of god, no less, in Matthew directly echoes that given in the Book of Tobit:
Matthew 11: 25 At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes.
Tobit 7: 18 Be of good comfort, my daughter; the Lord of heaven and earth give thee joy for this thy sorrow: be of good comfort, my daughter.
The title "Lord of heaven and earth" also occurs in Luke 10:21 and Acts 17:24, but nowhere in the Old Testament. So the famous devotional song "How Can I Keep from Singing?" is an apocryphal reference.
There's a whole bunch of allusions and references to the Apocrypha in the gospels, which isn't the least bit surprising, since the Greek Septuagint was the Bible used by the early Christians, and it included the Apocrypha. But I guess that in Jack Chick's books, the apostles weren't True Christians.
But wait, there's more!
And this is where things get confusing. When Chick, or whoever is actually responsible for this tract, talks about the "Alexandrian manuscripts", presumably he is referring to the Alexandrian text-type, which is one of the oldest surviving sources for the New Testament. However, he also mentions the Old Testament, which I suppose might mean he's talking about the Septuagint as well, which was created in Alexandria. So is he seriously saying that the Bible used by the apostles was a Satanic lie?
Elsewhere, Chick offers a bizarre justification for these views by comparing the contexts in which Alexandria is mentioned to Antioch.
Again with the "true Christians", this time with the bizarre idea that the Emperor Constantine was the pope (he wasn't), and the somewhat startling claim that the Vulgate is also "satanic".
The named source in the tract is a book by David W. Daniels called Did the Catholic Church Give Us the Bible?. Here's a section of the blurb:
There is not one history of the Bible, but two. One is a history of God preserving His words through His people. The other is of the devil using the Roman Catholic church to pervert God's words through her "scholars."
Once again we encounter the bizarre notion that the apostles and early Christians weren't "God's people", given that they were using a Bible based on the satanic Alexandrian manuscripts.
I don't recall seeing this kind of pure hatred against the Apocrypha before. After all, in Protestant tradition, the Apocrypha were considered, as Martin Luther put it, not canonical but worth reading.
I think one of the most vital clues is in the word "scholars" and the quotation marks around it. Belief in Biblical inerrancy and literalism is one of the foundations of Protestant Fundamentalism, and I imagine at least part of it comes from the fact that many fundamentalists aren't very well-read in Biblical scholarship and exegesis. Instead, they stubbornly insist that the Bible can be read "literally", a ludicrous idea, and I imagine they see Biblical scholars who debate the merits of different translations and the Apocrypha as suspicious intellectuals with edumacations. It's also been argued that the roots of Protestant fundamentalism are in Calvinism, which took a very dim view of the Apocrypha.
The key thing to remember, though, is that Catholics are evil:
Yeah. When the inquisitors come for you, they'll be using that law. As I understand it, the Synod of Toulouse in 1229 banned the owning of vernacular Bibles, but I'm not entirely sure about that one.
What I am fairly sure about is that scholarly opinion considers the Textus Receptus to have been compiled from several Greek manuscripts by Erasmus of Rotterdam in 1516. All of his sources dated to the 12th century or later, and were mostly of the Byzantine text-type. As Wikipedia puts it, "most modern scholars consider his text to be of dubious quality". Certainly by the standards of modern exegesis, you'll have a hard time justifying the idea that the Textus Receptus is somehow more truly preserved than, say, the Alexandrian manuscripts. Today, this position is only held by Protestant fundamentalists who are completely opposed to any textual criticism of the Bible. Like Jack Chick!
What's even funnier is that some of Chick's comrades on the evangelical right consider Christian humanism and Erasmus himself to be pretty much anti-Christian. While most Protestants regard Erasmus as one of the fathers of the Reformation, Protestant reformers see his "Christian humanism" as a plot of the Catholic church to destroy Christianity. In his documentary series How Should We Then Live?, Francis Schaeffer described Christian humanism as not Christian at all, and Rus Walton asks: "Is it not another snare, another delusion, another trap to draw man away from God?"
Just in case you think these are some random crackpots, Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has described watching the Schaeffer films as "a life-altering experience".
So while Jack Chick considers Erasmus to have been a divinely inspired hero who is faithfully preserving the true word of god against a grand Catholic conspiracy, to other Protestant fundamentalists, he's one of the chief agents of that selfsame world conspiracy. This is a wonderful example of what happens when you don't approach history on its own terms but as raw material for a conspiracy theory. When Schaeffer wants to prove that secularism is the greatest evil facing Christianity, he creates a monolithic "humanism" and projects it back into history. Of course, he also thinks the Catholic church is evil, so he tacks that on as well. Chick, on the other hand, wants to prove that the King James Bible is the direct word of Jesus, so he creates a pseudohistory of "inspired texts" leading up to it. Of course, he also thinks the Catholic church is the greatest evil facing Christianity, so he tacks on a monolithic conspiracy theory.
The net result is that Erasmus of Rotterdam is either a tool of the Catholic world conspiracy, or a heroic Christian warrior fighting against it. I guess the lesson is that making actual history fit a lunatic conspiracy theory can be surprisingly hard.
Next, though, we learn that the Inquisition was set up specifically to target the Textus Receptus:
This notion, along with their casualty figure, is just pure nonsense. Certainly Erasmus was critical of the Catholic Church, even in the Textus Receptus itself, but the idea that the whole Inquisition was put together to weed out the Textus Receptus is ridiculous. The notion that the Textus has a different teaching on salvation from, say, the Vulgate, is also basically just made up.
One particular example of a difference between the Textus and more modern texts is the Comma Johanneum. It's worth reading this little piece from Wikipedia:
The words apparently crept into the Latin text of the New Testament during the Middle Ages, "[possibly] as one of those medieval glosses but were then written into the text itself by a careless copyist. Erasmus omitted them from his first edition; but when a storm of protest arose because the omission seemed to threaten the doctrine of the Trinity, he put them back in the third and later editions, whence they also came into the Textus Receptus, 'the received text'."
The modern scholarly view is that the Comma Johanneum is a later addition, and Erasmus himself agreed. However, he re-inserted the passage after protests, and now Chick and other King James Only -fundamentalists insist that it is divinely inspired.
The funniest part of all this is that Erasmus used the Vulgate Bible in creating the Textus. So even by Chick's standards, the Textus Receptus is satanic. The dodge they use to get out of this is to insist that the Textus Receptus itself was divinely inspired, as Chick indirectly says in this tract, and now we've firmly crossed over into cloud cuckoo land. It also, once again, begs the question of whether Erasmus was a divinely inspired Christian or an evil anti-Christian Catholic, but never mind.
After several panels of old, recycled anti-Catholic propaganda, including the notion that the Gunpowder Plot and Spanish Armada took place because of the Textus Receptus, we get this tidbit:
Why, exactly, would this be disastrous to the Catholic Church? The tract claims that the Textus Receptus teaches that salvation only comes from Jesus and not the Church, but as no evidence is offered for this position and I can't find any, we have to regard this as having been made up. In all probability, this is a Chick-Rivera fiction to make the Catholics look bad.
However, we're directly told that the Apocrypha would have diabolical effects:
I can't, for the life of me, understand what in the Old Testament apocrypha, which was included in the King James Bible, would make Protestants suddenly convert to Catholicism. To me, this is the biggest single mystery of this tract. How on earth would getting Protestants to accept the Apocrypha as canonical suddenly make them Catholics?
All the reasons I've been able to find online for rejecting the Apocrypha are either totally spurious, like simply asserting that they're just not cricket, or criteria that could also be used to disqualify any books. For example, several instances accuse the Apocrypha of contradicting books in the Bible; well, the canonical books do that all the time as well. I genuinely don't understand why Chick's tract is so implacably hostile to the Apocrypha in the first place, let alone what sinister Catholic purpose they can possibly serve.
After a brief rehash of the fictional anti-Puritan assassination plot, we're told that when the Apocrypha were omitted from the Bible, God won:
Of course, this is followed by assertions that all subsequent Bible translations have been engineered by the Vatican because they're evil.
The Puritans are prominently represented here because most American Protestant fundies consider themselves to be the spiritual descendants of Puritans. I'll have to talk about that at some point, but for now, let's just go on with the propaganda.
Actually, it's these panels toward the end of the tract that bring us closer to understanding why this tract hates the Apocrypha so much.
As we're once again joined by "Dr." Rivera, we can try to offer an answer to this implacable hostility toward newer Bible translations and the Apocrypha. All "Biblical literalists" profess a belief in a monolithic Bible that contains only one message; after all, if the Bible were to contradict itself or even be ambivalent about something, it couldn't be interpreted literally. Now, this kind of interpretation isn't actually possible, but it is possible to insist that it is. If the Bible is mostly read by uneducated people who don't know the first thing about history or exegesis, I suppose they can imagine that the Bible can be regarded as being literally true.
The above panels make it pretty clear that this tract's hate is directed at exegetes who actually know about the Bible in its historical context and about textual criticism. After all, their knowledge threatens the whole notion of Biblical infallibility, by pointing out where the King James Bible contradicts itself, is flatly wrong about historical events or geography, and similar things. This, of course, is anathema to them, as is the general shift in opinion toward viewing the Bible as a historical text among texts.
So what better way to banish these doubters than by implying that they're part of a Vatican-directed satanic conspiracy?
**
There's a classic fundie quote floating around the Internet:
The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English. It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.
To most people, that's pretty funny. However surprising it may seem after reading the above tract, Jack Chick is actually a fairly moderate King James Onlyist. He seems to belong to the "received text only" faction, who maintain that the Textus Receptus was divinely preserved to serve as the basis for the Dinsdale, erm, Tyndale Bible and the King James bible.
Others, though, believe that the translation process that gave rise to the King James Bible was itself divinely inspired. Chick hints at that when he says God oversaw the process, but although he says the original authors of the Old and New Testament were divinely inspired, he doesn't extend the metaphor to cover the King James translators.
There is yet another view, sometimes called Ruckmanism after its vocal exponent, Peter Ruckman, a Christian lunatic who believes the CIA is secretly breeding aliens in underground facilities. As Jack Chick predicted he would be assassinated by Jesuits, in 1997 Ruckman predicted the government would have him killed in the next few years because he knew about the brain transmitters they had implanted in African-Americans and all the other nefarious CIA plots he's invented. Of course, making predictions that fail to come about is very Christian. Intriguingly, Ruckman also seems to think that anti-abortion activists are Darwinists. Yes, you read that right.
Ruckman believes that the King James Bible constitutes revelation in itself. He's said: "Mistakes in the A.V. 1611 are advanced revelation!" He considers that the King James Bible, as more recent divine revelation, is superior to any earlier manuscripts or translations. He attacks an "Alexandrian cult", which according to him believes that the original text of the Bible has been lost, and that therefore no final word of god exists on Earth. The Textus Receptus, on the other hand, he considers a separate text from the "Alexandrian cult" manuscripts, even going so far as to say that the Septuagint is a deliberate forgery created to discredit the Bible.
Ruckman's views are so extreme that the majority of the King James Only movement is opposed to them, let alone other Christians. What's interesting here is that Chick's narrative parallels Ruckman's in many places. Chick's strange references to "Alexandrian manuscripts" now appear to be derived from Ruckman, as is the primacy of the Textus Receptus and its fictional history. On Chick's website, we can find a strong defense of Ruckmanism.
However, in the tract, Chick doesn't quite go the whole hog. He replicates several parts of the Ruckman narrative, but portrays the Textus Receptus as the divinely protected original word of god, and doesn't claim divine inspiration, let alone revelation, for the actual translation process of the King James Bible. I imagine Chick has toned down the Ruckmanism to make his tract have a wider Christian appeal, but in doing that he's created numerous inconsistencies. In insisting that both the "Alexandrian manuscripts" and the Vulgate are satanic, but that the Textus Receptus is the "preserved" word of god, he's created a textual history that just doesn't add up. Of course, he may claim that the textual history of the Bible is all a Catholic lie. That's really a kind of "get out of jail free" card for conspiracy theories: if the history doesn't work out, just claim it's a conspiracy. Works for everything from ancient aliens to Bible translations.
**
To end on a sobering note, this can all seem like the deranged fantasy of an almost 90-year-old man who publishes comic books on the Internet. But like I said earlier, the current governor of Texas, who is one of the front-runners for the Republican presidential nomination, actually believes that the Bible is infallible. So this isn't just a study in Internet lunacy, but in contemporary American politics.
To recap, in this post we've seen that in the world of Jack Chick, only the Textus Receptus and the King James Bible are the word of god, and the "Alexandrian manuscripts" (possibly including the Septuagint) are satanic. The way these conclusions are reached tells us quite a lot about the theology of Jack Chick, and about his cavalier disregard for history and Bible exegesis, and his positively danbrownian dedication to simply making stuff up. Or, if you prefer, lying. All this will also have some interesting implications later on, when we continue our series of blogistic exegesis.
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Fifth of November
Sunday, October 23, 2011
It's a Miracle! For Idiots...
My friend Pam posted this on facebook the other day and I had to make a funny comment (at least it was funny in my head).
My comment was "is that the guy from Person of Interest?" I know, I am hilarious...
People are acting like this is a miracle. It is not. Trust me. The guy is a talented artist, and he probably practiced this for months (there are multiple videos of him doing the exact same thing). Also, if this is miracle, then your god has a sense of humor:
My comment was "is that the guy from Person of Interest?" I know, I am hilarious...
People are acting like this is a miracle. It is not. Trust me. The guy is a talented artist, and he probably practiced this for months (there are multiple videos of him doing the exact same thing). Also, if this is miracle, then your god has a sense of humor:
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Beverly LaHaye and lesbians
I'm reading Michael Lienesch's Redeeming America, an excellent book about the Christian right in the United States.
It features several quotes from Beverly LaHaye, a Christian conservative activist and wife of Tim LaHaye, co-author of the dispensationalist book series Left Behind. They've both written several self-help guides for Christian couples, covering everything from child raising to sex positions, all in a very Christian way, of course. Here are some of her thoughts:
Thus Beverly LaHaye goes on to warn single women about the attractions of lesbianism: "Beware of an improper physical attachment between you and your roommates. Sad to say, this sometimes happens in today's world, especially if one is lonely, overly affectionate, and lacks a sense of security." In fact, there is a presumption that single women are often lesbians.
Lienesch 1993, p. 71
When I read that, I hear the actress who played Sister Miriam in Alpha Centauri reading it out loud in my head. That would be a fantastic introduction for a porno.
"Lesbianism lurks in the colonies as it lurked in the sororities of yesteryear. But it was never the sororities that were evil."
- Sister Miriam Godwinson, "A Blessed Struggle"
There's more, too. Not only is Beverly LaHaye deeply concerned about young women being drawn to the attractions of lesbianism, but she also pays close attention to young girls' breasts:
Beverly LaHaye is particularly interested in alerting teenage girls to their own seductiveness. She writes reprovingly:I have seen lovely girls conduct themselves in such a manner that they turn fellows on and cause them to have problems with lust and evil thoughts. One charming lady was walking out of church with her hand in her date's arm and was very carelessly allowing her breast to rub against the boy.
It's good that the Christian Conservative movement has someone who lectures young women on the attractions of lesbianism, while keeping a firm eye on their unruly bosoms.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Jedi Jesus
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